Tonight I am entering a new phase of my provider experience. I have a 4 hour date with a very nice gentleman. We are starting with dinner and drinks and seeing where the night ends up. I’ve picked out a lovely dress, am getting my hair done, wearing gorgeous cream colored heels and a simple necklace to complete my look. What I am wearing underneath will be for his eyes only. 😉 I’ve only had one other full date experience so far and it was a great time so I am confident this one will be as well.
I am learning so much about myself and others as I delve deeper into this world. I am very exclusive and limited with my time. No more than twice a week ever. I prefer to build relationships with my hobbyists and get to know them. Keeping things limited and exclusive gives me the chance to stay focused and available. I want anyone that takes the time to see me to feel as special as they are and know that my time and energies are devoted to them.
The men who hire me are intelligent, funny, sweet and caring. They are often involved in long term relationships where things have changed yet their basic needs have not. They know with me that they have nothing to worry about. I won’t call them, stalk them, or try to get them to alter their life for me. What I do instead is provide them with my attention and time, helping them live in a moment. I have had the pleasure of having fabulous conversations with engaging men that quite often have nothing to do with an adult nature.
It is human instinct to want to pair up. To want to desire and be desired. To want to listen and be heard. We all need this in our lives no matter how busy we get. There are things that money, success, titles, things cannot replace. A human touch, a kiss, a hug. It is far more priceless and precious than can be quantified or explained.
When I started this journey a few months ago, I have to admit I was scared. What if men found my unattractive and didn’t call? What if I couldn’t hold my own or make them happy? What if I disappointed them and left them feeling let down? What if I lost myself in the process and started to feel bad or believe the lies that society tries to feed us about this industry?
My own self-doubt crept up and bit me filling me with worry. After the first session, however, I started to push my doubts aside. I stopped think of all the “what if’s” and started focusing on the moment at hand, the person I was with. In the course of it, if anything, my confidence has grown. I am finding that I am offering something valuable that has little to do with my body and more to do with who I am as a woman.
While the majority of my interactions have not been in the full on dating realm, I try to ensure that every experience is unique and memorable and that no one ever ends an evening with me feeling like they weren’t paid attention to or cared for.
The biggest thing I have gained from this experience is insight. You see it’s a funny thing about our society. If I told people that I was a dancer instead of a provider, they might look at me with some disdain but it’s more socially acceptable. What I do causes me to live in two worlds. Balancing my private life with my personal one and working hard to make sure they don’t collide. We have not yet take the taboo off of the industry even though we’ve made progress and people are forced to become shadow dwellers, keeping things in secret and hoping that they don’t fuck up their lives in the process of living it.
What I find myself doing is a delicate balancing act, living my public life one way, my private life another, hoping, just like the hobbyists I see that my two worlds never collide. It can be daunting but it is a risk I feel is worth taking. I feel fortunate in the respect that I work with amazing people and take great pride that things are handled professionally. My assistant is a rock star and she makes certain that I am always in the know and that I never go into anything that is unsafe or uncertain.
In the meantime I’ve met fascinating folks who have given me a lot of joy and smiles. I love learning about people and what makes them tick, who they are and what they are about. I get to be a people person and hopefully leave said people with smiles and memories.
So tonight, I will go on my date. We will eat, drink, share laughs and whatever else we choose within the privacy of our night.We will form a memory within a moment because that is what this profession is truly about.
I remember quite distinctly a friend telling me once “You don’t deserve a moment, you deserve moments”. It is something I have never forgotten and something I strive to give every hobbyist I see. Life is made of moments and they become the photos in the scrapbook of our minds. If we are lucky, if we make the choice, then the scrapbook we create can be one filled with new experiences, adventures and most importantly a life lived on the terms we set and the definitions that we choose to create.
The butterfly counts not months but moments and has time enough. — Rabindranath Tagore