When I got divorced, I felt lost. Years of dedicating my heart and love to another person was all I knew. I remember the day I got married. So young, so full of hope. Practically skipping down the isle to say “I do.” I wore his mothers dress and was filled with enormous pride. They had endured so many ups and downs in their over 30 years of marriage and here I was, a woman they barely knew, about to make a promise to love their son for the rest of my life. I looked at them as my inspiration and when I put her dress on, it felt like a sign.
The years passed quickly and before I knew it we had been married a year, then five, then ten. In the span of a decade the four kids we brought into the relationship grew up before our eyes. When things got bad, I tried to remind myself of that day, that moment when I made the promise that I was his and he mine.
The harsh truth is that some promises no matter how desperately you want to keep them must be broken for your peace of mind. Asking him for a divorce was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done next to signing my name on the dotted line. We were polar opposites who like magnets came together until we repelled into two separate directions, living completely different lives. The last few years our marriage were not pretty. I was lonely, sad, angry all the time. While he is a good man, he was not a good husband and years of being alone, and taken for granted took their toll. I found myself becoming someone I didn’t like and when I looked at my life, I realized I needed, wanted and deserved so much more.
I never realized how full of egg shells the ground I walked on was until they were one day swept away. Slowly I began to remove the masks that I had carefully worn to keep the peace and began to show the world my true, genuine face. It was terrifying at first, being a wife was all I had known for so long and my sense of self had been hidden beneath the title, tucked securely away.
This past year has been one of great introspection, reflection and discovery as I’ve forged ahead in my new life. I decided to live authentically to who I am at my core and the process have discovered pieces of my puzzle that I never knew I had. I have learned that I am worthy exactly the way I am and when I stopped trying to fit into a mold that wasn’t mine, I began to create my own.
While most people come to my blog to read my stories or poems, get a little naughty relief, I think it’s important to have frank and honest discussions on here too. If I have learned anything this year it’s that I am far more than I gave myself credit for and I still have so much further to go. I am a writer at heart and while I enjoy delving into erotica and sharing my experiences, this post is also a part of who I am. They say write what you know and so I am.
To anyone who reads this, I want to leave you with a message: Never underestimate your value or your worth. Never allow yourself to sit inside a cage of your own making when their is a world outside waiting for you to spread your wings and fly. There is a difference between settling and living and you deserve the chance to make a life.
It has been more than a year since my divorce and in a strange twist, I finally found a friendship with my ex that wasn’t possible when we were bound as man and wife. The freedom to be ourselves allowed us to put aside the hurt and anger and see each other in a different light. We weren’t meant to be and quite honestly, I’m glad I recognized that while I am still young enough to explore and enjoy this new life. Sometimes the things we want are not the things we need and your happiness can be the sacrifice if you aren’t willing to admit it.
This year has been filled with challenges and I’ve had to make hard choices that quite frankly most people would not understand. In the end though I know that waking up each day and loving who I am, being proud of the woman that I was meant to be was worth taking the risk.
Lao Tzu said: “Do the difficult things while they are easy and do the great things while they are small. A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.” We never know where the step may lead but we will never find out if we aren’t willing to take the chance.
Here is to the journey folks, no matter where it may lead. Thank you for reading my stories and sharing in pieces of my life. A writer without readers would be a little strange and I am humbled to have so many of you stop by.
May you have a beautiful rest of your night.