advice column / Author / real life / relationships / Swinging

Moments: Where Memories Are Made

I was having a discussion with a friend earlier this evening on the lifestyle and why I enjoy being a swinger. His primary concern for not exploring was a concern many have. “I don’t think I could handle the jealousy of seeing my partner with someone else” he said. I listened to his points and then did my best to explain to him what it meant for me.

My partner and I have been in the lifestyle for about 13 months now. In this time we have learned a lot, not only about the lifestyle in general but ourselves and our relationship.

When we first got started we made a lot of mistakes. We weren’t good at asserting to others what level of comfort we actually had and found ourselves on more than one occasion in circumstances that left us feeling unprepared or overwhelmed. We sort of dove in feet first without testing the water and we learned valuable lessons that we now take to heart.

Over the last few months, as we have gotten more comfortable and secure with voicing our needs and wants, the lifestyle has taken on an entirely different tone. We surprised ourselves by the friendships that we’ve made within the community. Forming bonds with people we never would have met. Recently we celebrated a “Friendsgiving”, 6 couples who have become great friends over the past year and we thoroughly enjoyed an evening of fun, laughter, and later in the evening, some very adult fun!

Overall, I think, swinging has brought my boyfriend and I closer in a way that i never imagined. By sharing a level of intimacy with other people normally only reserved for two, we’ve had to shed the masks. We have to be brutally honest with one another and share when something leaves us feeling insecure or uncomfortable and that type of interaction then streams into our everyday life. We find that we communicate far more openly with one another than we ever did in former relationships. After all, when you have no secrets from one another, you are able to truly see the full person in front of you and determine if as a whole, they are someone you like.

I know for me, seeing him with another woman, is a turn on. I love watching his body as it merges with another woman’s, love seeing the smile on her face. Hearing her voice as she moans in the pleasure that my man is giving to her. I love seeing his eyes close and his head tilted back as he gives into the sensations of new hands and lips on his skin. When the couple or woman is gone, and it’s just he and I again, we always take the time to reconnect. To allow our bodies to express through touch and movement how we feel. The chemistry I have with him has never been duplicated by any other partner. It is not to say I don’t enjoy playing, I adore it, but at the end of the day, no matter who I’m with, it is his kiss, his touch, his smile that makes me weak in the knees and my heart rate increase.

Knowing that in spite of all the women and men we meet, all the beautiful bodies, the alluring smiles, and fascinating minds, at the end of the day, it is each other that we choose over and over again is what makes swinging such a great experience for me.

There have been brief moments of insecurity, after all, I’m human and so is he. As a woman, I have my own body issues and it’s natural to compare oneself to another. That, however, is again where the lifestyle, is a really good thing. Honesty about how I am feeling leads to open communication which helps to prevent resentment or jealousy from taking root.

Swinging isn’t for everyone, and that is also what I conveyed to my friend. You have to have a deep sense of security in what you have in order to share that with someone else. You have to be able to see that no matter who your partner is with physically, only you have pieces of a puzzle that fit with theirs. I for one am grateful that I have a partner who sees beyond the constructs of what society has deemed as normal and has instead decided that we should define it for ourselves.

We have a level of honesty with one another that no vanilla relationship ever afforded me. I don’t know that it will be a part of our lives 10 or 20 years from now but I do know that for now, it is a wonderful fit. A friend once told me “You deserve moments not things” and now I finally, truly understand. For it is in the moments that the memories are made and for me at least, the lifestyle provides just that.

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